Pain and Financial Wellness
How the right kind of pain can be a superpower.
Make no mistake, most of my clients are in financial pain the first time we talk.
Crushed by debt, trapped by crisis, or simply stuck because they don’t know what to do next, pain is part and parcel to what I do. My job isn’t to relieve that pain, however. My job is to change it into a kind of pain that my clients can use to get themselves unstuck and on to their goals.
As early as our goal setting conversation, I’m not just gathering info and insights on what my clients want for their lives and why, I’m also listening for their pain and ways I can change their “stuck” pain into “change” pain.
Here’s what I’m listening for: Fig 1. Pain indicators.
The pain of being stuck.
Crisis is a big, fat liar. When we are stuck, overwhelmed, spinning our wheels or out of options, we are in crisis, and crisis tells us we will live like that forever. Crisis fixes our lives in one place, making change nearly impossible.
Paradoxically, the first, and often most important tool at your disposal when trying to help someone crack into the stuck kind of pain and thereby change their life for the better, is also pain. The right kind of pain.
Let’s talk about the reasons why the right kind of pain can be a catalyst for change.
Pain is diagnostic
If you went to your doctor and told them you had a weird pain in your left shoulder, what would they do? Would they prescribe pain meds and wish you a good day? Tell you to come back if it gets worse?
Maybe. But they’d likely ask you a bunch of questions, run some tests, but they’d also probably manipulate your shoulder a bit. Where does it hurt? How badly? Does it hurt if they push the end of their pen right here? When you wince and flush, they know they are getting somewhere. Why would they want to cause you MORE pain? Because they are using that pain as a tool to diagnose you.
When we as coaches, mentors, advocates, and leaders ask the right kind of questions, we can assess our client’s kind and level of pain. Once you know a person is using shame to try to change their behavior, you can use a tool like an awareness tally to undermine shame and encourage your client to develop their own change tools.
Pain is learning
Have you ever watched a child learn to walk? It is not fun for them or us. There is falling, crying, failures, and possibly injury. Learning to walk is not only about their muscles getting stronger, it is about teaching the brain itself how to walk, and that is not easy or enjoyable.
Be transparent with those you serve. Change sucks. And humans aren’t great at it. There are times during my meetings with a client that I prepare them that they are not going to like a tool or game. When we are candid about what our clients can expect, even if it’s potentially uncomfortable we are effectively inoculating them against it.
Pain increases strength
We pay personal trainers to cause us pain. If we are not hurting, they probably aren’t pushing us hard enough. Over time our muscles grow accustomed to that level of exercise, and the pain decreases. Then the trainer’s job is to increase the level of exercise (and the pain) over and over again.
This is not to be confused with punishment. Although we frequently attempt to use the pain of punishment to learn from our past mistakes or “teach ourselves a lesson”, the pain of punishment, shame, judgment or guilt has no place in your vernacular if your goal is to give your clients the tools they need for long term change.
Pain is part of healing
Physical Therapists are another profession we pay to cause us pain. This particular kind of healing involves learning, strength, AND healing, so no wonder it is so painful.
Another example could be healing from a major injury. Healing aches, burns, and sometimes itches. There is even research supporting the idea that pain is important to the healing process.1
Pain is awareness.
If you’ve ever had a bad tooth or any kind of injury, you know that your brain pays special attention to that body part. There are powerful survival mechanisms at play. It’s no accident we have a saying, “They stick out like a sore thumb” to indicate when we are more aware of someone because they stand out.
In Conclusion
Our clients are in a certain kind of pain. This pain is often referred to as crisis. Put simply, crisis can be a powerful motivator in the short term 2 but can result in paralysis. People in crisis feel stuck. People in the kinds of pain discussed above feel compelled to action, and that is the kind of pain we hope to bring out.
Your job is not to cause pain or trauma to your client. Your job is to teach them how they can leverage their pain as a tool.
This is how pain can become your superpower. Your client’s pain can give you invaluable insight into what’s going on and simultaneously give you direction on how to combat it. Here’s how:
Next steps:
1. Observe
Before you attempt to intervene, share a tool, or teach someone, take the time to observe pain indicators in those around you. Listen for the phrases in the blue squovals in fig 1.1.
2. Teach pattern finding.
Humans are pattern-seeking machines. Teach those you serve first to be aware of their pain through observation, then teach them to look for patterns. Here’s a sample of how I typically share this.
“Do you hear yourself saying “I can’t believe that I…” or hear someone you care for saying “I have no idea what I’m doing”? What happens after you hear this? What happened before? These pain indicators aren’t the problem, it’s the underlying root cause of the pain and the results of the pain that are. Looking for patterns in behavior and reactions slows us down and allows us a slightly distanced perspective on what’s really going on with our clients.”
3. Put tools in your toolbox
“Great”, I hear you say, “I’m aware that my client is in pain, what the heck do I do about it?”
If you’re hearing a lot of shame and judgment, you may consider completing and then sharing the tools covered in the Crisis/Procrastination Cycle recorded training.
Goal setting is another great tool to have in your toolbox. Proper goal setting (not S.M.A.R.T. goals) are a great way to leverage change pain. Once we give pain a focus and direction it becomes motivation. Reach out to me at hanna@pacificstoa.com for a free consult on how to help your client set AND KEEP their goals.
Reflection Prompts:
What was one thing that surprised you about this article?
How have you heard someone indicate their pain verbally in the last week?
-Hanna Morrell
Trainer/Coach
Pacific Stoa Financial Wellness
pacificstoa.com
Our Core Values:
Teach others to trust themselves
Respect other’s inherent resilience
Foster autonomy and self-reliance
